Hurry Up and Wait

I have a blog?

So that's what that bill was for...

Okay, so I didn't forget about the blog, I just pushed it to the side for a bit. Still trying to get over being bummed about leaving Nathan behind in Germany. And the fact that even though I ovulated while I was in Germany (or so I would assume giving the punctuality of my period) my period arrived while I was on the plane coming home. It was not pretty given the fact that I was not prepared for such an early period and I couldn't get to my fresh change of clothes. (Oh yes, it was that bad.)

Other than that, nothing new. Except for this. Bored, lonely, grouchy, mildly depressed (and I do know what it's like to be severely depressed, so don't worry, I'll head to the doctor at the first sign of sleep deprivation and the like), barely fit company for the pets... things are great! Infertility sucks, but it sucks hard when there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. At least when Nathan was here we could pretend that sex would be enough.

I have decided to never, ever again take Clomid. I have taken it twice and didn't appear to ovulate either time (once while charting, once while using OPKs). If anything, my cycle was more irregular than ever while on it. And the migraines are incapacitating. The nausea that comes with the migraines? With that, even if I did ovulate, there is no way Nathan would ever get near me, much less get me pregnant.

The doctor that we saw in December mentioned IUI if nothing happened with Clomid. Of course that was with 3-6 months of Clomid, but I think he'll understand if I tell him there is no way I can take that crap again. I don't care if injectibles are worse, at least they have a higher chance of working. That's all that counts, right?

Other than the regular complaints, Germany was great. The sights were pretty, the food was good, the sex was great... Okay, maybe that's a bit too much information. But it was.

Yet another infertile carol...

"All I want for Christmas is to ovulate..."

Oh, and getting pregnant would be fun, too.

What, no takers?

So, who wants to bet that I'll run out of OPKs before I ovulate?

*waving hand all over the place*

Ugh.

Spiffy new duds

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Andreah for this awesome new banner! You must have read my mind because this is exactly what I wanted, only better!

Speaking of new duds, Nathan and I did our Christmas shopping for each other this weekend since he won't be here for the actual holiday.* He got an Xbox and Halo 1 & 2. He's lucky I like video games as much as he does, because I wouldn't support his addiction otherwise.

My gifts were two new pairs of shoes--I was in desperate need of something other than sneakers this winter--a new skirt, and a very lovely sweater. And a video game that I've had my eye on for a while. (I told you I was as addicted to video games as Nathan.)

Our Thanksgiving plans are rather low key this year (last year we had half a dozen of his coworkers over for dinner) and I'm actually looking forward to only cooking enough for two. We are planning on getting each other one more small gift and exchanging them then. The boys will also be getting their gifts then. Of course their ideal gifts are a new bone and a bag full of bottle caps.

As far as Christmas goes, poor Nathan will be all alone while I'm spending time with my family. I may end up gracing the in laws with my presence as well, but I'll try to keep that visit to as short a time as possible.

My period finally arrived over a week late and I'm not sure if I'm relieved or what. I was kinda hoping it would show up too late to make Clomid worth using this cycle, because now I'll have hot flashes for Christmas! I hate being so pessimistic (so we start with the IUIs when?) but I don't expect to be pregnant any time soon. Oh well, at least I won't have to worry about a miscarriage while Nathan's in Germany.

I had an interesting IM conversation with Monique that I was planning on posting, but apparently we talk too much for Typepad and I can't fit that much in one post. I guess if you really want to read it, you can get it here... Download im_with_monique.rtf We thought we were hilarious, but since it was about 2am at the time, we could be mistaken. We were really ticked off at these idiots when we started talking, so beware, the sarcasm is a bit extreme.

*Nothing's official yet, but it looks like he'll be leaving on Dec. 20th.

Excuse me if I'm hurt over the fact my body doesn't work

I am sick and tired of people playing the "my pain is bigger than yours" game. Or even better, the "your pain doesn't even count" contest. Really, if you hurt, you hurt. My infertility isn't worse than your [insert tragedy here] and your [insert tragedy here] isn't worse than my infertility.

I have always wanted to be a mother and to have that possibility of that repeatedly (on an almost monthly basis) ripped away hurts. I know there are degrees of pain. I understand that having to terminate a pregnancy you've longed for hurts sharper than my never getting pregnant at all, but that doesn't make my pain any less. Infact, it just adds your pain to mine. Every story of infertility, pregnancy loss, and the loss of a child outside the womb stabs at my heart. I ache for those who have dealt with such sorrow because while I don't know how they feel, I know they hurt.

Infertility is the biggest pain I've faced to date and so it dominates my life. It hurts. I realize that if I'm ever unlucky enough to lose a pregnancy, that will be the biggest pain I've ever faced. Until I have a deeper, fresher wound, infertility will be the one I tend. I have been scarred by this and will remain so no matter how my infertility is resolved.

So to the person on Anti-adoptionInsights who said this "Now, if you ... just never *got* pregnant, that isn't pain. Sorry. As Laura said, it is simply disappointment. You didn't lose any real flesh and blood child." Go read the dictionary. Pain can be defined as "acute mental or emotional distress" and I've been feeling that ever since I realized I may never give birth.

A little better

Things are looking up somewhat...

• The stained PJ's actually look pretty good now that they've been washed (and I'm feeling better too, since my period is finally over)

• Idiot brother-in-law finally screwed his head on straight and is back at home with his wife (still not sure why she wants him back...)

• Nathan is suppoesed to call the RE's office sometime this week and see if he can't hurry our appointment along

• If Nathan does go overseas it will mean extra $ (and I may be able to join him in time for our anniversary)

• I still miss my kitty, but my other kitty seems to be doing his best to cheer me up (at least that's what I tell myself when he sneezes in my face...)

Enough with the tears already

Too much to cry about...

• My period arrived with a bang this morning and promptly stained a once lovely pair of pajama pants

• Nathan's idiot brother (the one that was cheating on his wife and didn't really care if she knew) is finally getting a divorce (for some unknown reason she didn't want to kill him and is actually upset that they couldn't work things out)

• Still can't get an appointment with the RE

• Everyone seems to be getting hit hard lately

• It looks like Nathan will be overseas (not in Iraq) for both Christmas and our anniversary

• I really miss Fidget

Two

My current cycle day and number of days until The Sims 2 arrives on my doorstep.

You know, the important things in life.

One month

Well, today is one month since losing Fidget. Having Punkin to cuddle helps, but there is no way he will ever fill the gaping hole in my heart left by my first baby. I almost forgot what today's date was until I read this post over at Enough Already!. Oh, God, this hurts.

And this
doesn't help.

Huh?

Have you ever had to throw up but the thought of actually doing it in your toilet (that your husband just happened to get clogged earlier) makes you even more sick? Or is that just me? Not that it means anything...